stalling

myself every fucking weekend. Still at 116, missed my first goal of 115 on Tuesday because so much alcohol followed by so much drunkenly purchased junk food...

So I moved my goals back one week. This weekend I will be amazingly disciplined and next Tuesday I will be at at LEAST 115. Hopefully even less.

I have such a hard time turning down alcohol. Such a hard time not seeking out alcohol. I'm weak.

But besides that I've been doing so good at eating! Always staying under 800 cals; often much less then that. 300-400. Worked-out day before yesterday. Rested yesterday. Work-out again today.

2 months and I want to be perfect. If I can just make it to each weekly goal I can do it.

Just need to ignore my need to be drunk.

weighing

in at 116. Yesterday I weighed myself and I was at 118.... 118118118118118118118118

Felt shitty all day.

Went to weigh myself this morning and realized my scale was moved/something was under it. So I calibrated it and saw 116. Makes more sense and I feel much better...

If I can be disciplined this weekend IknowIknowIknowIknowIknowIknow I can hit my first goal of 115 on Tuesday. Bought a ton of veggies and low cal/gluten free stuff. I'm ready to face the weekend.

Slow and steady.

committing

to checking in. A week from today I want to be at 115....  2 pounds. That is pretty reasonable right?

Today's total calories come to 649, plus dinner (cabbage) will be 742.

My commitment is to stay under 800 as long as I run at least 1 mile per day. That's how I got to 102. So we'll see how it goes for a week. Maybe 1 fast day per week (Monday), and bigger meals on Sunday (not to exceed 1500). Just to keep my body guessing. Weigh in on Tuesdays.

2 pounds a week puts me at about 102-101 by October 1.

Committing to it. No more weakness or excuses. The days will pass whether I hate myself at the end of them or not.

Guess I have a mile to run tonight...

facing

reality.

117.2 pounds of sloppy lazy ugly reality.

Give me two months. I'll erase it.

At least 15 pounds of it. 102 seems like it was a million years ago.

Fuck.

cleansing

I've been doing ok, not exceptional over the weekend, but not hitting 1000 any day I think.

I started a juice cleanse: 3 days, just juice.

I haven't weighed myself in forever. I'm terrified to see any number really. Saturday morning will be the end of my cleanse. I'll face the truth then.

My whole body tenses with anxiety just thinking about it.

gaining

momentum. Perhaps. I just haven't had the will power for most of the summer to face myself. Haven't worn a swim-suit once. It's not too out of control.. but still. Last week I ate between 300-700 calories a day. Had an off weekend/week, but started back at it yesterday.

Today I've had 570... no more today. Coconut water and tea maybe.

But anyway. Here I am. Reinvigorating control.  I've been doing yoga pretty regularly for the past 3-4 weeks. I need to start running again but my time is so minimal.

I'm very scattered right now. I'm going to try to hold myself accountable here, and they'll be very boring posts about calories and shit...

I wonder who all is still out there...

lying

to myself all the time. I need to go to class but I'm sitting here just trying to ignore how huge and empty my body feels but at the same time fathom the feeling enough to express it.

Whatever happened to me.. I used to how such power over myself it was euphoric... I ignore my plans in favor of gratification. I teeter between wanting nothing and wanting everything. Although perhaps teeter is the wrong word as I spend most of my time consuming everything.

I just need today. I need to do well today and maybe I will feel a little less out of control.

Today is...
L: banana (105)
S: veggies (50)
D: greenbeans (44), 3oz chicken breast (82), curry sauce (40)
Total: 321

And then maybe 400 tomorrow.

I'm making a promise to myself to report back tonight.

A little honesty might go a long way.

Edit...
-banana
-veggies
+pretzels
+cheerios
+handful of popcorn
+coconut water.