reviving

myself. It's only been a little 2 1/2 weeks since my last post. It's amazing how it feels like its been forever. Even trying to catch up on blogs, I missed this small chuck of all these lives and now everyone feels like a stranger.

But I'm trying to revive my determination.

I hurt my foot badly. I could barely walk, let alone run. It's just starting to feel better. But predictably I used it as an excuse to eat like shit and drink heavily.

So today I begin again (again).

I don't know how much I weigh. And thinking about getting on the scale tomorrow makes me feel nauseous. But I will. I'll face the fact tomorrow morning and go from there.

I desperately need  a small facet of order in my life. School is overwhelming me; I don't have enough time to put in the effort it needs. Work is fucking chaos. The strange situation with my superior is incredibly fucked up. Most days I feel absolutely powerless and utterly lonely.

The boyfriend is the only glimmer in my day that soothes me a bit. Even if we fight, he's familiar and comforting and uncomplicated.

But I need something internal that soothes me. Something within myself that calms the panic and offers a retreat of focus.

So here I am. I'm going to put all the pent up fear and loneliness and uncertainty and all the stormy energy surrounding them into succeeding for myself. I want to focus, and block out the chaos when I can.

And obviously listing everything everyday is one of my favorite tools to calm the torrent.

So here's my day:

Breakfast: coffee, 1/2 apple
School
Head to work
Lunch: tea 1/2 apple
Finish homework/email
Reply to emails/send documents/clear off extensive to-do list
Snack: ?
Afternoon errands
Head home
Run!
Workout
Dinner: soup
Start essay/make powerpoint slides
Clean room
Start notes for midterm
Hopefully sleep.

I have a hard time sleeping lately.

Unless I drink.