hiding

from the only place I'm honest with myself or any corner of the world. Hiding from here. Doesn't that sound silly?

I think about this blog on a daily basis, but I don't login, I don't check on other blogs, I don't write anything just to prove I'm still alive... because then I would have to articulate all the self-hatred I work so hard at bottling up.

I'm 113 now, or 116. It depends on the day. I think I'm healthy. But I hate my skin, my casing, my shell.

I've been working out every day for a month. Like full on full time no skipping working out.

And I'm still completely disappointed with everything in the mirror.

I'm aware that I'm small. Size 0 (not 00 anymore: mortifying). But when I look in the mirror, even though it's a smallish person, the pieces, the limbs, the skin, the curves... it doesn't matter that they're small. They are unseemly and humiliating...

And that's why I don't come here: to this whisper out into a blank mute space. Because all the embarrassing self-loathing spills out.

But there it is. And here I am. And I do better when I send my self-loathing out into the anonymity here.

So I'd like to make the most of this month.

I've been building muscle. And I hate it. Building muscles (despite the denial of this) is just making them bigger. Which I hate hate hate.

So now I'm going to cut the fat: melt it suck it kneed it out of my skin.

Today

L: 1/2 banana (37)
S: apple slices (30)
D: lentil curry w/ veggies (198)

Total = 266

Plus 2 miles tonight.



I'm going rekindle my will-power.