spiraling

Ugh I've been hiding. Or trying to exist without thinking and therefor shattering from the inside out.

Last week I lost 3 pounds to get to an embarrassing 111.

I fucked up this weekend. But now I'm back on track. I want to lose 8 more by May 1st.

Everything is still spiraling uncontrollably. Everything get's better for a few weeks and I hold my breath and walk on eggshells before the malicious misogynist storm rages all over again. And it racks my entire being with fear and anxiety and I'm just completely frozen and crumbling at the same time.

I still refuse to fuck my boss, and he's still taking it so fucking personally that the only way for his unfathomably giant ego to get over being rejected by a girl half is age is to fire her. He said he needs closure and the only way is if I disappear. Funny how HIS need for closure comes at a price only I have to pay. And again, what does he even want? He thinks it's deep and beautiful, but really, he doesn't want me to be his secret girlfriend. He just wants to fuck me. In an professional world full of older lonely men, take a fucking number. I don't owe anyone that shit. I fucking hate his guts. I hope every horrible hurtful thing imaginably happens to him. He deserves every last bit of suffering any person can inflict on him. I wish I could inflict more. But I coddle him and humor him in hopes of remaining employed for just one more month. He's insane and unreasonably and painfully blind to what a fucking piece of shit he is.



But goddamn it I'm going to starve myself numb. Do you think that will quiet my soul?