contemplating

a few random things.

This weekend at my family's mother's day celebration, my grandma repeatedly accused me of being anorexic (She is a very sweet silly old lady). She told me how I'm going to ruin my heart muscle, how this woman she knew died because of it, and she told me how my mom used to be anorexic and ruined her heart muscle.
But I already knew that. And my mom is fine and happy. And i just laughed at Grandma and told her to stop being silly. I ate everything that was served that day. Hotdogs, apple-pie. I even drank a soda. Although I had already planned on that, because last week my Grandpa told my mom to tell me I'm too skinny.
So I laughed, and I ate.

But when the boyfriend and I got home, I curled up in his arms on the couch and told him my grandma said I look anorexic. And that I don't want to look anorexic, or sickly, I want to look beautiful.

I looked up into his eyes for reassurance.

He looked at me and said, "Baby, you don't look like that. You look beautiful. You're small, but you're still soft. You don't look sick. You look perfect."

And that made all my worries go away.
And I knew my grandma was wrong: I'm not bony, or gaunt, or sick looking at all. And even though i am losing weight, that's not my goal. I'm not attracted to that sickly ana look. I just want to be small and delicate. Not sharp and fragile.
And I know this. But the boyfriend's reassurances, just made me feel so much better.


And on that note, today is a light fast, or a light day at least. Because I was bad this weekend, and i don't want to step on the scale till I feel cleansed.

Clean my insides. Turn me inside out.