wondering

why food is so fucking nasty. And why sometimes I can't control my desire for it. But at the same time I fucking hate it. It is the most dysfunctional relationship of my life. I hate it, I don't want it. But at the same time, when I'm upset or lonely, I want it. Even though I know I will hate myself for being so weak. It's like I create a problem for myself to focus on, instead of focusing on all the other shit; all the problems I didn't create but still have to deal with....
I'm much happier when I control it. I feel better, I like how i look, and its something small that I can succeed at everyday. A favor I can do for myself.
So dear self-destructive tendencies. Please do not look to food to create a new problem to numb the real ones. You will be much happier and feel much better all over and inside and outside, if you simply make the decision that you know will make you happy.

PS- food generally gives you a stomach ache anyway. So don't being so fucking dumb.

EDIT:
Tomorrow:
Breakfast: tea = 0 cal
Lunch: 1 cup light soup = 50 cal
Snack: tea + celery = 10 cal
Dinner: 1 cup onions + green peppers = 100 cal

Total = 160 calories

And I promise I will update tomorrow night talking about a successful day. Promise.