raving

makes me feel old. Haha. I hang out with the older people, the DJs, and I don't suck on a binky cause I'm so rolled out. In fact, if my friends weren't spinning, I wouldn't go.... A rave is pretty much the best place to people watch though. And even better, to thin-watch. Thin barely dressed girls spinning and slamming in the lasers. It's enough to make you fast for a week. Or two.

We had to leave early though... I only had one drink but someone must have slipped something in it... I blacked out, couldn't see, I was wandering through the crowd alone. Luckily I bumped into a friend and he took me to his car. Or carried me. I don't know. There is a huge gap in my grasp of the sequence of events. The cold shocked my body and I started to feel a little more normal. We sat in his car and he gave me a whipit to calm me down. Which sounds crazy but it did. What I was feeling was so fucking bizarre and scary, but the short high from the whipit was familiar and comfortable and so kind of calming. And I was just fucking shaking and wanted to cry. So we went home early.

The thing about the rave was... we weren't at the mainstage at midnight.... and they forgot to count it down. Everyone was fucked up and dancing. Except boyfriend and me. We were just standing against the wall watching. And we watching his cellphone click down to midnight, and we counted, and we kissed.

Up until last night i kept thinking about that stupid saying, something like, oh whatever you're doing at midnight is what you'll be doing for the rest of the year.... I'd say at midnight I was leaning against the wall, hoping my boyfriend would kiss me with feeling, watching people dance and be happy (but in a sad way). And it felt anti-climatic, and kind of lonely... and not special at all...

And this is all rather depressing but its the fucking truth...

And of course he was pissed with me for ruining his night, and wandering off alone, and bla bla bla shitty unreasonable girlfriend is what I must be.

Well New Year, I am quite certain you are full of unhappy things I cannot control, or am too weak to try and control.
But this is the year I will control the one thing no one else can affect.
And I'm gonna be fucking beautiful.