reminding

myself that I can keep going.

I started to get that weird panicky feeling, where I'm not hungry, but I need to eat something.

(Have I ever mentioned I have an oral fixation? A really intense one actually.)

Not so much eat something, as taste and feel somoething. And I would stand in the kitchen and just walk in between the fridge and the pantry: bite of shredded cheese, a few pistachios, a sip of almond milk, bite of brown sugar. Back and forth back and forth, always a different taste or texture.

So I had a bean tacos for dinner (homemade 350 cal).

But then I went to the city and went out with the boyfriend and his friends. The damage: 2 beers, 1 screw driver, and 1/2 a sausage slam from Denny's. I won't list the fatty foods... you get the idea...

Plus didn't get to sleep until 6am.

I feel sick. And full. And thick. And all to present, too much of me here...

But I'm reminding myself, that I can keep going.

Today is:

L: coffee
S: mango
D:veggies+rice


Also, my boss is still as manipulative and abusive as ever.




He'll be a complete asshole to me, tell me he's firing me, and then he'll leave roses on my desk. I just want to shake him and be like, "I'm not Fucking stupid. I know the cycle: horrible shit, nice gestures, horrible shit, nice gestures. It's abusive". Like does he really think roses and candy are going to win be back after the anxiety, depression and tears he inflicts? He is awful to me.. then surprised that I don't want to go drink with him. Last time we went out for a drink I ended up crying in the bar because he was yelling at me because he told me I couldn't be friends with a certain person and told him he can't tell me I can't be friends with someone. He texted me last night and told me I'm not allowed to have fun without him, and that his feeling would be hurt since I wasn't any fun earlier that day (he wanted to take me hours away for lunch). So I will lie to him about going out of course. And he constantly threatens me with "you don't know what you've got till it's gone! remember that!" And he in all seriousness includes my job in that. Such a piece of shit. And I have to fake that I like him so I don't piss him off. I don't respect  him at all, his behavior completely disgusts me. He's controlling hurtful cruel immature... I hate him...