wasting

away inside. I know my posts have been useless. But lately, I am just useless. I've been running a lot, working out, eating healthy... Haven't lost a single pound. But that's what happened last year. After a month of that I cut my calories drastically and the fat and weight just melted off of me...

If I can make it through this next week, and write my papers, and study for my final... I feel like I can get this huge weight lifted off my shoulders, and focus on the pounds...

Honestly, it's pathetic, but all this shit that is going on at work is completely overwhelming me, and it just... immobilizes me. I can't think, I can't focus, I can't muster up enthusiasm; the enthusiasm i need to get through this week of school.

Read on for the weird details of a huge part of my stress...


My boss... he's fucking with my head. He's emotionally abusive and manipulative. I walk on eggshells around him. Sometimes he loves me, sometimes everything is great: we work hard, we get shit done, things go well, and he's in a great mood. Other days all he talks about is how I like him and how he could make me happier then anyone. And other times... other times he gets beyond pissed at me for the tiniest thing. For feeling sick, for not staying at the bar long enough with him, for being friends with some guy, for taking my phone with me to the bathroom... He'll ignore me, he'll avoid the office, he'll tell me I can't go to meetings and dinners that I was supposed to go to. He got mad once I was getting coffee without him, and he almost fired me. Gave me a week off and tried to hire someone to replace me. I've been intensely loyal to him for almost 6 years... That's where I knew... I have to look out for myself. I will never be able to be honest with him.

He texts me such fucked up things. He gets angry and mean... And he seems to want me to forget about my life, people I care about, my friendships, and my career, and just live in his little world. Which would have to be a secret world. Fuck, I have no idea what he realistically wants.

And I love my boyfriend. Regardless of our problems. My boyfriend is this wonderful, sweet, curious, intelligent, thoughtful, daring, sexy, gorgeous boy. If I left him it would not be to jump right into something new, let alone into a fucked up relationship with an angry, controlling man, with tons of baggage, where I have NO power....

The power is so unequal. He doesn't like how independent I am in my personal life. The boyfriend and I... we both do our own thing a lot of the time. We have the friendships and hobbies we want. We've never snooped in eachothers' phones or emails. We don't share a bank account, don't know any passwords... And it irritates my boss. He gets pissed when I take my phone to the bathroom. He doesn't want me doing things without him. Honestly... it's stupid.

I will never, ever be close to someone who makes me feel like such shit, who won't let me be my own person, make my own decisions, he's never even asked me what I want; what I'm comfortable with. And that's a fast sign, that something is wrong (which was quickly followed by some really fucked up shit).

But I'm scared to say the wrong thing. I'm scared to go to the grocery store with the boyfriend. I'm scared he'll see me and try and fire me again. Fire me for not having feelings for him, for not sleeping with him, for not wanting to be his girlfriend, or whatever he's thinking I would be.

And he knows I would never do anything... I'm too twisted up in the company and his family... and fuck. I care. I don't want bad things for him. I've known him to be a good person for a long time. And at first it shocked me, the way he behaved. And i just assumed things would never happen again. But I had to get past that shock and just try to deal. It is what it is now. I should never have even given an inch. I don't know what to do... But it was nice to be able to finally vent it out.

And that is part of what is screwing me up right now. I dug a hole that I don't think I'll be able to get out of. I would never let anyone treat me this way. But I don't seem to have a choice. I don't have an ounce of control.




I don't like not feeling in control of myself.