scrambling

back into more normal days. The holidays have been lovely, but the lack of a daily calorie plan and count, makes me feel fucking anxious.
And I've been drinking a lot. Went to best friend's after-christmas party. I was excited to see this boy I've known since I was 9 who is in town for Christmas. He's just this happy sparkle of a person. And we've liked each other since we were little, and we've kissed once or twice, and we're close, but the timing was always incredibly wrong. We finally were together, right before I left to travel for 4-5 months. Like literally the night before I left. And when I came home, he was back with his ex, and so I fell in love with someone else, and then he was free again. One time when we were drunk together after that he asked me "why didn't you wait for me?" I  said, "wait for you to break up with your girlfriend again? We were both free, why couldn't YOU just wait for me to come home? I was saving all of myself for you all those months, and came home to find you gone."
He always says someday we're supposed to be together.
I was just kind of excited to see him. And I got there and he had a girl with him. Which is a fucking stupid thing to even be upset about, but the boyfriend had been an asshole all day, and this guy is just so happy and bla bla bla I got fucking drunk.
I just feel out of control of my own happiness and beauty and desires...

So dear calories, let me count you and shave your numbers down, just for a little bit of comfort.

Breakfast: water = 0 cal
Lunch: broth = 20 cal
Snack: tea = 0 cal
Dinner: salad = 100 cal

Total = 120 cal

I feel better already...